1. Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside. What happened to me? Asks Paddy.
Well, replies Seamus, you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub.
Why didn’t you stop me? Paddy screams.
Stop you? Replies Seamus. Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you.
2. Paddy goes to the horse races in Dublin. In the evening, he walks into a pub and orders a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar.
And have one yourself, he tells the bartender, generously. Half an hour later, the order is repeated, and this goes on all evening until at closing time, the bartender taps Paddy on the shoulder.
I hope you don’t mind my mentioning it, he says, but your bill comes to two hundred pounds. Does it? Asks Paddy. Well I am sorry to hear that, because I’ve not got a penny.
The bartender leaps over the bar and starts to beat Paddy and eventually kicks him out of the door, into the street. The next evening, the pub is just opening when Paddy walks in.
A large brandy for me, he announces, and drinks for everyone in the bar. But I am not giving you one, he says to the barman. After a couple of drinks, you get very nasty!
3. Paddy and Kowalski are in town for a drinking spree. After a lot of drinking, they decide to go to the hundred-story-high, revolving, Roasting Rhinoceros Restaurant for some dinner. They choose a table overlooking the city lights, but have only been sitting there for a few minutes when both of them feel the need to pee.
Can you tell us where the bathroom is? Paddy slobbers at the head waiter.
Certainly, sir, replies the waiter, pointing across the restaurant. Just go down the passage over there, turn left and go two steps down.
The directions are repeated again for Kowalski, who is not quite sure he knows where he is, or what he is looking for. Just remember, says the head waiter, turn left and two steps down… So, Paddy and Kowalski set off across the room and down the passage. They take the first door on the left and step inside, into the open elevator shaft. One hundred stories below, Paddy slowly picks himself up off the ground. How do you feel? Paddy asks his Polack friend, lying beside him.
Not too bad, replies Kowalski. But I don’t think I can manage that second step.
4. There is an accident on the construction site. Seamus runs over to where Paddy is lying in a heap of rubble.
Are you dead, Paddy, after such a terrible fall? Asks Seamus.
Yes, certainly I am, replies Paddy.
Ah, bejabers! Says Seamus, you are such a terrible liar, I don’t know whether to believe you or not.
That proves I am dead, you idiot, says Paddy. If I was alive, you would not be calling me a liar to my face.
5. Paddy Murphy is on his way home, when he comes across a woman crying hysterically.
What is the matter, lady? He asks.
MacTavish is dead! She sobs. MacTavish is dead!
A few minutes later he comes across another woman sobbing, MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is dead!
Soon he finds another woman crying the same thing, and then as he approaches the railway crossing he sees a ghastly sight.
A train has run over a man and cut him in pieces. And there on the street next to the body is lying his foot-and-a-half long prick. Several women are standing around crying, MacTavish is dead! MacTavish is dead!
When Paddy arrives home, he says to Maureen, I just saw a terrible thing. A train ran over a guy and cut off his pecker. And would you believe it? His prick was eighteen inches long! My God! Cries Maureen. MacTavish is dead!
6. Hymie Goldberg is touring Ireland in his car when he finds Paddy hitch-hiking, holding a cow. I can give you a lift, says Hymie, but I can’t take your cow.
Oh, that’s okay, says Paddy, she will follow us at her own speed.
So Paddy gets in and Hymie is soon driving at thirty miles per hour. The cow is trotting along behind. Hymie speeds up to forty miles per hour and the cow is still keeping pace. At fifty miles per hour Hymie sees that the cow is right behind, but he notices that she seems to be getting tired.
I’m a bit worried about your cow, says Hymie, her tongue is hanging out of her mouth. Which side of the mouth? Asks Paddy.
On the right side, replies Hymie.
Oh, that’s all right then, says Paddy. That just means she wants to pass you!
7. Paddy is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her whole life.
Hey, you drunk, she says one day, give me that bottle. I want to taste whatever it is that has made you the bum you are.
Taking the bottle of cheap whiskey, she takes a good gulp from it. Yuk, she gasps, that’s the most vile-tasting liquid that has ever passed my lips. It tastes terrible.
You see, says Paddy, and all these years you thought I was having a good time.
8. A group of young men — all Irish Catholics — go into a pub. They don’t greet Abbie, one of the men already standing at the bar. Paddy, one of the young Irish fellows, asks his friends why they don’t greet Abbie. Oh, he is a Jew, they say, and Jews are awful people. They killed our Lord Jesus Christ.
Paddy is very upset to hear this and goes over to Abbie and starts beating him up.
Stop, stop! Shouts Abbie. What are you doing this for?
I’m doing it because Jews tortured Jesus and killed him.
Yes, I know, says Abbie, but it is nothing to do with me. That happened two thousand years ago. Paddy gives him another blow and says. I don’t care. I only heard it ten minutes ago!
9. Paddy was known for his foul language by everyone in his congregation. The parson took him aside on Sunday and said, Every time you swear you must give five dollars to the nearest stranger. That will cure you soon enough.
As Paddy left the preacher, he stubbed his toe and then silently handed the five dollars to a woman just entering the church. Okay, whispered the woman, But can you wait until after the service?
10. Paddy drove through the red light and smashed into a car driven by Father O’Hagan. The car turned over three times and the priest was thrown from the vehicle into the gutter. Paddy rushed over and said, I am terribly sorry, Father.
Saints above! said the shaken priest, You almost killed me.
Here, said Paddy, I have got a small bottle of whisky. Take some and you will feel a lot better. Father O’Hagan took a couple of large gulps and then continued his tirade: What were you doing? You nearly launched me into eternity.
I am sorry, Father, said Paddy. Take a few more sips and it will ease your nerves. The priest took another large gulp and almost finished the bottle, which he offered to Paddy saying, Why don’t you have a drink? No thanks, Father, said Paddy, I will just sit here and wait for the police to arrive!
11. Paddy and his friend Sean were sitting in a bar moaning to each other, talking about how ugly their wives are — a common topic among husbands.
My wife is so ugly, said Sean, if I want to make love to her I have to put a bag over her head. That’s nothing, said Paddy. My wife was so ugly when she was born that the doctor slapped her mother.
12. Paddy goes into a pub one day and sees a very well-dressed man sitting in the corner. But what he notices most are his beautiful shoes. So he goes over and asks about them and the man tells him they are crocodile shoes. But Paddy has never heard of a crocodile, so he goes over to his friends and asks them. They tell him that it is a very dangerous animal that lives in the swamps of the Amazon jungle.
Paddy is determined to have a pair of these shoes, so he sells his house, his car and his wife, and sets off for South America. Once he is there he eventually finds a man with a boat, who is willing to take him up the Amazon.
After many weeks they reach the heart of the jungle and Paddy sees a crocodile, swimming around in the swamp. So he immediately dives in and has a terrific fight with the beast. They are thrashing about in the water for over an hour until, tired and bleeding, Paddy manages to haul the dead crocodile into the boat.
With his last strength, Paddy turns the crocodile over onto its back, takes one look at it and shrieks: My God! It has got no shoes on!
13. Paddy was convinced he was a cannibal. His wife finally persuaded him to visit a psychiatrist. When Paddy returned home after his first visit, his wife asked, So tell me, what is a fancy psychiatrist like?
Delicious, beamed Paddy.
14. Paddy and Sean were sitting in the bar when Paddy said, You know, Sean, I have read so much lately about how smoking can ruin your health that I have finally decided to do something about it.
So, you are going to give up smoking? asked Sean.
Heavens no, cried Paddy, I am going to give up reading.
15. Paddy complained to his friend Sean, that he had seen his wife going into a movie with a strange man.
Did you follow them inside? asked Sean.
No way, replied Paddy, I had already seen the movie.
16. Paddy was digging his garden one day, when he saw a little creature at his feet. He lifted his shovel up to kill it, but to his surprise it spoke.
Paddy, I’m a leprechaun. Spare my life and I will grant ye three wishes.
Three wishes? Done! said Paddy, then thought: Well, I am thirsty from all this digging. I would like a bottle of cold Guinness.
The leprechaun snapped his fingers and Paddy found he was holding a bottle of Guinness.
That there, said the leprechaun, is a magic bottle. It will never empty — it will pour forever. Paddy took a swig. Lovely. What are your next two wishes, Paddy? asked the leprechaun Paddy thought, I think I would like two more of these, please.
17. Paddy and his two friends, an Englishman and a Scotsman, got sentenced to five years in jail, but were told that they could have one thing with them that they badly wanted. The Englishman had a big blonde, the Scotsman had bottles of whisky, and Paddy chose packets and packets of cigarettes. Five years came and they were all let out, one by one. The Englishman came out with his blonde, looking absolutely knackered, the Scotsman came out staggering all over, and hiccupping. And last of all out came Paddy, of course, looking very frustrated. And do you know what his first words were? Have you got a light, anybody?
18. Paddy lurches out of the pub and bumps straight into Father Murphy, the village priest.
Patrick, says the priest, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that! Well, then, says Paddy, turning around, I will go right back.
19. Paddy is called as the prime witness in an assault case but gets things a little mixed up in his account of the affair. It was Dennis who started it all, your honor, begins Paddy. He trod on my foot. So I pushed him off and smacked him on the jaw. Just then, his dog ran up and I hit him again.
Hit the dog? asks the judge. No, your honor, I hit Dennis. Then I picked up a stone and threw it at him and it rolled him over and over.
Threw a stone at Dennis? asks the judge. At the dog, your honor. Then he got up and hit me again.
The dog? asks the judge. No, Dennis. And with that he stuck his tail between his legs and ran off. Dennis? asks the judge. No, the dog, says Paddy. And when he came back at me, he got me down and pounded me, your honor.
The dog came back at you? asks the judge. No, Dennis, your honor. And he was not hurt at all. Who was not hurt? asks the judge. The dog, your honor, says Paddy. The judge scratches his head and fines the dog ten dollars.
20. A woman is out riding one day when she falls off her horse and shoots straight through a hedge, where her jeans and sweater are torn off. She is lying naked and unconscious in the field when Father Murphy comes by on his bicycle.
Seeing the naked girl, he runs over to see what has happened, but not knowing what to do, he places his black priest’s hat over her pussy and jumps on his bicycle to go and get help.
Just then, Paddy and Sean stagger out of the pub and go over to the hedge to take a piss. Seeing the girl lying there, Paddy turns to Sean and says, Look, that girl seems to be in trouble. She is, says Sean, and the first thing we’ve got to do is to get Father Murphy out of there.
