1. An American, a German and a Polack were going on safari. They split up in the morning and met again in the evening. Sitting around the camp fire they started telling of their adventures.
The German says, I shot two tigers, an elephant and some apes.
The American says, Ah, I shot much more: six crows, four tigers and about three elephants.
They both look at the Polack, who’s saying nothing at all. What about you, Polanski? they ask. I shot sixty-seven no-no’s, he says.
Although the American and the German had quite a bit of experience in the jungle, they had never heard of such an animal. What is a no-no? they ask. Well, Polanski replies, they are about six feet high, black, curly hair, big lips, and when you point your rifle at them they shout, `No! No!’
2. Pieracki, a Polack, Odum, a black, and Alvarez, a Mexican, were out of work and living together. Pieracki came home one night and announced he had got a job. Hey, fellas, wake me up tomorrow at six, he said. I have to be at work by six-thirty!
While Pieracki slept, Odum said to Alvarez, He got a job because he is white. We can’t get one because I am black and you are brown.
So during the night they put shoeblack all over Pieracki. Then they agreed to wake him late.
Next morning when Pieracki arrived at work, the foreman said, Who are you?
You hired me yesterday, he replied. You told me to be here at six-thirty!
I hired a white man — you’re black! I’m not!
Yes, you are! Go and look in the mirror!
The Polack rushed over to the mirror, looked at himself and exclaimed, My God! They woke up the wrong man!
3. Pierre, a Frenchman, Tonio, an Italian, and Stash, a Pole, were traveling through the country when their car broke down. They found lodging at a farm, and in the course of the night the Frenchman decided to sneak into the farmer’s daughter’s room.
The farmer heard him walking up the stairs and said, Who is it?
Thinking quickly, Pierre whispered, Meow, meow….
Twenty minutes later, Tonio made the same attempt. As he neared the farmer’s daughter’s room, the girl’s father shouted, Who is there?
The Italian also imitated the feline sound, Meow, meow….
Stash decided that he, too, should make an attempt. Just as he got to the girl’s room, the farmer shouted, Alright, who is it?
The Polack replied, It is me, the cat.
4. Swami Anando has contributed this authentic letter from his Polish mother:
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I be still alive. I writing this letter slowly because I know you not able to read fast. You won’t know the house when you get home. We moved. There be a washing machine in the house when we move in, but it not working too good. Last week I put fourteen shirts into it, pull the chain, and I not see the shirts since. Your sister Hanna had baby this morning. I not find out yet whether it be boy or girl, so I not know whether you be an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Leopold drown last week in a vat of whisky. Some of the men dived in to save him, but he fight them off hard. We cremated his body, but it took three days to put out the fire. Your father not have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of Castor oil in his pint of beer. It keep him going until New Year’s Day. It only rain twice last week. First for three day and then for four day. Try to learn write me soon. Your loving mother, XXX
P.S. I be going to send you ten dollars, but I already seal the envelope.
5. One Polack arrived in New York seeking his fame and fortune. As he strolled down the sidewalk he noticed a great long ladder propped against the side of a building, stretching upward as far as the eye could see. He started to pass on by, but a voice high in the clouds called down, Climb up the ladder to success!
Somewhat nervously he began to ascend, rung by rung, all the way to the top of the fifty-story edifice. When he got there, a slender, blond, blue-eyed boy seated on the ledge of the building smiled sweetly at him. Hi, there! he said. I am Cess!
6. A Jew and a Polack are sitting together in a train compartment. The Jew is eating some apple seeds. After some time, the Polack becomes curious and asks the Jew, Why are you eating apple seeds?
The Jew replies, Apple seeds make you smart!
The Polack, even more curious, asks, Are they for sale?
The Jew answers, Yes, of course, You can have these five apple seeds for five dollars only.
The Polack agrees to the deal and starts eating the seeds. Suddenly the Polack turns to the Jew and says, Hey, you, listen, for five dollars I could have bought five kilos of apples! The Jew turns to him with a satisfied smile and answers, Now you see — it has started working already!
7. A Polack and a Jew were walking in the desert. The Jew was carrying a watermelon, the Polack was carrying a car door. After a while the Polack said, Why are you carrying that watermelon?
The Jew said, So when it gets too hot I cut it open and eat a piece of it.
After a while, the Jew said, And why are you carrying that car door?
So, said the Polack, when it gets too hot I just roll down the window!
8. An airplane full of tourists is flying from New York to Texas when one of the engines stops working. The captain speaks to the passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, in order to stay alive we have to throw all the luggage overboard. Then we will have less weight and we will safely reach our destination.
So they do. But a few hours later the second engine stops working and again the captain speaks to the passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, in order to safely reach our destination we need three persons to jump off the plane.
An Englishman stands up. Sorry, he says, I beg your pardon… but of course…. He turns around to the rest of the passengers, grabs his umbrella and jumps out of the plane shouting, God save the Queen!
A Frenchman gets up with tears in his eyes. Vive la France! he cries and jumps out.
A man from India wearing pure white khadi clothes, looking more like Morarji Desai than Morarji Desai himself, walks through the plane, grabs one old woman by the throat, throws her out of the plane and shouts, Long live Mahatma Gandhi!
9. A Polack and a Jew are riding together in the same train and start chatting.
How is it possible, asks the Polack, that you Jews are so successful in business?
It is simple, replies the Jew. We have good-luck charms.
What are they? asks the Polack.
Well, replies the Jew, it is something we carry with us all the time that brings us good luck. And he pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket and begins to unroll it. Inside is a fish head.
Wow! says the Polack, poking the fish head. And he asks if the Jew is willing to sell it. Twenty dollars and it’s yours, replies the Jew.
The Polack hands over twenty dollars and pockets the fish head. But ten minutes later he is upset. I have just realized, says the Polack, I could buy at least ten fishes in the market for twenty dollars. Aha! says the Jew. You see, it’s working already!
10. An Indian went to Singapore to buy a video. He went into a shop and asked, What is the price of this video near the window? The seller answered, Sorry sir, we don’t sell to Indians.
The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in his best clothes. Back at the shop, again he asked, What is the price of this video near the window?
To his dismay, the seller replied, Sorry sir, we don’t sell to Indians.
The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in Western-style clothes — shorts, T-shirt, sunglasses. Returning again to the shop, the Indian was most upset to receive the same answer to his enquiry. In exasperation he asked, How do you know that I’m an Indian?
Oh, said the seller, that’s easy. The machine near the window is not a video, it is a washing machine.
