Whenever you feel like fighting against me, you can do it. You can start with my blessings; that's not a problem. Anything that helps you grow and that you feel will give you more maturity — even if it is fighting against me — is good. And don't think in terms of your being a renegade or betraying me. Even if you want to be a Judas, be one.
Remember only one thing — that whatsoever gives you happiness and growth is good. It is nobody else's business to interfere. That is the meaning of Jesus kissing Judas before he goes and betrays him. That is his blessing. He is saying, 'Yes, Judas, whatsoever you want to do, do. Go ahead. If that is your destiny and that is your fulfillment, then who am I to interfere? With all my blessings you go.' He washes his feet, he blesses him.
In fact he says in the end, 'The time is passing fast. Why are you waiting? You should go and do your duty.' That's his message to Judas: 'Go and do your duty.' The duty is that Jesus will be crucified, but that has nothing to do with Judas. He has to fulfill his own destiny. Of course Judas committed suicide when Jesus was crucified because he really loved this man. This is how man is paradoxical.
Judas was one of the closest disciples, very close. And he loved Jesus — but this is how the mind is paradoxical. He loved him so much that he hated him also. He loved him so much that he was always afraid that he may be overpowered, so he resisted. He loved so much that he could never allow Jesus to be very close to him, or allow himself to be very close to Jesus because he was afraid that he may be absorbed, finished. So he resisted, he fought, he argued. And this was his final effort to escape from his own love. He was afraid of his own love, but when Jesus was crucified, then Judas understood that he had killed himself. He committed suicide the next day.
Christians have never meditated much on the suicide of Judas because they have never looked with compassion on him. He needs much compassion. He's simply human, the most human disciple of Jesus, and he enacts the whole drama of human polarity. He is the most intriguing character in the gospels, sometimes even more intriguing that Jesus. Jesus is plain and simple. Judas is more complex.
Christians have not thought much about it because they have simply been condemning him, but I have been meditating on Judas very much. If somebody wants to understand Jesus rightly, Judas has to be meditated upon. He is part of the drama. Without Judas, Jesus cannot be, because the crucifixion cannot be. The resurrection will be impossible.
So Judas creates the background. He must have suffered tremendous agony — more than Jesus, because Jesus was dying, dying a death that was not a death to him. In fact he was relaxing himself into the hands of God. Judas was in more agony. He betrayed his own master. He betrayed his only friend… and he betrayed the man he loved so much. Those twenty-four hours he lived must have been a tremendous hell, an eternal hell. Then he committed suicide because he could not believe that he could have done it. He felt worthless and that now to live, to even breathe, would be impossible. But Jesus blesses him… it's perfectly okay.
So if sometimes you feel like fighting, fight. Don't repress it. If sometimes you feel like betraying, betray. Don't be worried about it. I am not here to create any sort of worry and anxiety in you. Whatsoever you feel good is good. Go into it. Go whole-heartedly and headlong so that whatsoever happens will help you. If it is a wrong thing, you will come out of it wiser. If it is a right thing, you will come out of it still wiser, so nothing is lost. In the total reckoning, the final reckoning, nothing is lost. Even going astray is part of following a path.
So it is going to happen many times to many people that they will want to go away from me. Perfectly good. Sometimes you need your own space. To be near me becomes a heavy thing. So be here only when you want to be, otherwise go away. You should have your own space.
And my sannyas is nothing else but an effort to give you the courage to have your own space. If someday you feel that this sannyas has become a bondage and you are burdened, drop out of it. And never think that you cannot do that because I have given it to you with such love; don't be worried about it. I can take it back with the same love.
But I am the last person to make you feel guilty for anything.
So if you are a sannyasin, it is your choice. If you are not a sannyasin, it is your choice. My blessings are unconditional. Whatsoever you are — a sannyasin or a non-sannyasin — makes no difference.
But that is not the real problem. Your real problem is somewhere else. Now you are trying to hide the real problem by creating a false one.
… It is artificial. It is imaginary. It is not your real problem. Your real problem is with [your partner]. You started thinking against sannyas and against me because I told you to be committed to her. And I knew that this was going to happen. It has happened exactly the way I was thinking it was going to.
OSHO
From Darshan Diary:
A Rose is a Rose is a Rose
