1. How much for a roast beef sandwich? asks Little Feenie Finkelstein, standing in Chicken Chopper’s Sandwich Shop.
Two dollars, replies Chicken Chopper, from behind the counter.
How much for a cheese sandwich? asks the little Jew.
One dollar, replies Chicken.
What about a ham sandwich? asks Feenie. But before Chicken Chopper can reply there is a loud clap of thunder in the sky overhead.
Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up at the sky and prays out loud, Okay! Okay! — I was only asking!
2. One mahatma, a great saint, died — must have been someone like Muktananda. One of his followers died the next day. When the follower reached heaven, the first thing that he was interested in was, Where is our guru, our Muktananda? He must be enjoying — he must have been given all the joys that only heaven can provide.
And then suddenly he saw Muktananda underneath a beautiful tree… with whom, do you know? — with Sophia Loren! Sophia Loren sitting in his lap, both naked, hugging each other! The follower fell at the feet of Muktananda. He said, Guru Deva, O Great Master, I always knew that you were the greatest master; now I am seeing with my own eyes. God is so pleased with you, he has given you Sophia Loren as a reward! Muktananda looked very angrily at the man and said, You fool, stop talking nonsense! You don’t understand a thing. She is not my reward, I am her punishment!
3. A Polack is badly injured in a car crash and he has to have a brain transplant. A team of surgeons put him to sleep, remove his brain, and go into the next room to get a new one. But when they return to the operating room, the Polack is gone.
The police search everywhere for him but without success — he has vanished. The doctors contact the international police and they check throughout the world for a brainless Pole. Finally, five years later, they find him. He is wearing silly robes and a big hat and is living in the Vatican!
4. Rodney, the eldest son of a respectable Boston family, announced to his shocked father that he intended to live with his swishy boyfriend on Beacon Hill.
Damn it, Rodney, the parent responded, our family came over with John Winthrop, and we’ve never had a scandal such as this.
I can’t help it, father, I love him. But for God’s sake, son, he’s Catholic!
5. St Peter challenged the Archangel Gabriel to a game of golf. St. Peter’s first drive resulted in a hole-in-one. Gabriel’s first drive produced the same result The same thing happened at the next shot. St. Peter looked at Gabriel thoughtfully and then said, What do you say we cut out the miracles and play some golf?
6. A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they divined what part of the collection money each retained for personal needs and what part was turned in to their respective institutions.
I draw a line, said the minister, on the floor. All the money I toss in the air — what lands to the right of the line I keep, to the left of the line is the Lord’s.
The priest nodded, saying, My system is essentially the same, only I use a circle. What lands inside is mine, outside is his. The rabbi smiled and said, I do the same thing. I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his!
7. The distraught young man was perched on the fortieth-floor ledge of a midtown hotel and threatening to jump. The closest the police could get was the roof of an adjacent building a few feet below. However, all pleas to the man to return to safety were of no avail. A priest from the nearest parish was summoned, and he hastened to the scene.Think, my son, he intoned to the would-be suicide. Think of your mother and father who love you.
Aw, they don’t love me, the man replied. I’m jumping! No! Stop! cried the priest. Think of the woman who loves you!
Nobody loves me! I’m jumping! came the response. But think, the priest implored, think of Jesus and Mary and Joseph who love you!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph? the man queried, who are they?
At which point the cleric yelled back, Jump, you Jew bastard, jump!
8. Rabbi Greenberg died and went to heaven. He saw only three people there, reading by a dim light. One of them was Madjibhai Morarjibhai Desai who was reading PLAYBOY, the second one was Ayatollah Khomaniac — he was reading GALLERY — and the third was Pope The Polack who was reading GENESIS. And they were all reading very religiously. He could not believe his own eyes. First he could not believe that there were only three people in heaven, and then he could not believe they were all religiously reading PLAYBOY, GALLERY, GENESIS — and reading so religiously, as if they were reading the Gita, the Koran, the Bible.
He decided to see what hell was like. The rabbi got to the Devil’s domain and it turned out to be a big nightclub with every kind of music being played. There was an eight-piece Dixieland band, a thirty-piece swing band, and all the people were dancing.
Rabbi Greenberg went back up to heaven and asked for an audience with God. I don’t understand it, Lord, he . said. There are only three people in heaven and they are all reading, and they are all reading things which should not be read, and they are reading them so religiously. I am amazed! I am surprised! And down in hell everybody is dancing and having a good time! And these three people look so sad and so ugly. Why can’t we have some music in heaven, some dance in heaven?
The Lord said, I can’t hire a band just for these three stupid people!
Repression, control can only make you stupid. And remember, even if you go to heaven you will smuggle some old copies of PLAYBOY, GALLERY, GENESIS, because here you missed them. They are bound to go with you. Here you were reading the Gita, the Koran and the Bible; here you were repressing. It is easy to repress in a life of seventy or eighty years, but in heaven it is infinity. How long can you repress? How long can you sit upon a volcano? Sooner or later it is bound to erupt.
9. A man who was a salesman of dictionaries and encyclopedias was telling the woman, standing on her doorstep, This is the latest encyclopedia. You and your children, all will be benefited by it. But she said, We have it already. You can see, there in the corner.
The man looked in the corner. There was a book of the same thickness. He said, That is not an encyclopedia, that is the HOLY BIBLE. The woman could not believe it — from that far, how could he judge that the book was the HOLY BIBLE? She said, That amazes me. You are certainly a man of knowledge. How could you manage to see that that is a HOLY BIBLE? He said, Anybody can conclude that, seeing the layer of dust that has gathered on the Bible.
10. Paddy NcNaughty went to confession: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
And what is it that you have done, my son?
I made love to one of the girls in the village.
My God! said the priest, and which of the village girls did you commit sin with?
Ah, Father, that I cannot tell.
And if you will not tell me, then I shall not give you absolution.
Ah dear! said Paddy.
Was it Molly O’Flaherty? asked the priest.
No, it was not Molly O’Flaherty.
Then was it Flora Fitzgibbons?
Ah no, said Paddy, it was not Flora Fitzgibbons.
Was it Maggie Muldoon, then? persisted the priest.
Ah, sure no, it was not Maggie Muldoon.
Then who in heaven’s name was it?
Ah, sure, Father — that I cannot tell.
And if you don’t tell me I shall not give ya absolution.
Ah, Father, that’s too bad! said Paddy and walked out of the confessional.
His friend, Michael, was waiting outside. Well, Paddy, did ya get yar sins forgiven?
No, said Paddy, but I got the names of a few good broads!
