1. One day I met Mulla Nasruddin on the road. He was walking with his two children.
So I said, ‘How are your two children?’
He said, ‘Both are good.’
I said, ‘How old are they?’
He said, ‘The doctor is five and the lawyer is seven!’
2. To celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary, Mulla Nasruddin came home and presented his wife with a little monkey.’Are you crazy or something?’ shouted Mistress Nasruddin.’Where the hell are we gonna keep a monkey?’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Nasruddin.’He will sleep right in the bed with us.’
‘And what about the smell?’
‘If I could stand it for thirty years, he will get used to it soon.’
3. A friend of Mulla Nasruddin was talking to him. He said,’My wife is an angel.’
Mulla said,’But mine is still alive.’
4. A psychiatrist once asked his patient, Mulla Nasruddin, if the latter suffered from fantasies of self-importance.
‘No,’ replied the Mulla.’On the contrary, I think of myself as much less than I really am.’
5. A friend of Mulla Nasruddin said to him,’Come and have a drink.’
Mulla Nasruddin came up and took a drink of whisky.
‘How is this, Mulla?’ asked a bystander.’How can you drink whisky? Sure it was only yesterday ye told me ye was a teetotaller.’
‘Well,’ said Nasruddin,’you are right. I am a teetotaller, it is true, but I am not a bigotted one.’
6. Mulla Nasruddin stormed out of his office and yelled, ‘Something has got to be done about those six phones on my desk. For the past five minutes I have been talking to myself.’
7. Mulla Nasruddin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital.
When he came to, the doctor asked him, ‘Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?’
‘No,’ groaned the patient.
‘No snakes or alligators?’ the doctor asked.
‘No,’ the drunk said.
‘Then just sleep it off. You will be all right in the morning,’ said the doctor.
But Mulla Nasruddin was worried.
‘Look, doctor,’ he said, ‘that boy is in bad shape. He said he could not see any of them animals and you and I know the room is full of them.’
8. One day Mulla Nasruddin was watching the street through the window when he saw his creditor approaching the house. Knowing what the fellow was up to, Mulla called his wife and told her to handle the visitor.
Accordingly, the wife opened the door and said,’Yes, sir, I know we haven’t yet been able to pay you. And although Mulla himself is not home at this moment, he thinks day and night about ways to get some money and pay you back. He has even asked me to watch the street and whenever a flock of sheep passes to go out and pick up any pieces of wool that might have been caught on the bushes. This way, when we get enough wool, we can spin it, make a couple of shawls, sell them and with the money pay you back.’
When she got to this point, the man started to laugh, whereupon Mulla came out of his hiding and said,’You rascal, now that you smell money, you start to grin.’
9. Mulla Nasruddin had gone to see a play. A man was in such great love in the play, he was acting so romantically that Nasruddin said to his wife, This man is a great actor.
The wife said, And do you know? — the woman he’s acting with is really his wife in actual life.
Nasruddin said, Then he is the greatest actor in the world!
10. Mulla Nasruddin has applied for a job. The manager looked at him and did not feel that he’s even qualified to apply for it. He asked him, Can you read and write?
Mulla Nasruddin said, I cannot read, but I can write.
The manager was surprised; this is a rare situation — he could have never conceived of a man who cannot read but can write. He said, Then write! He gave him a paper and Mulla immediately started writing on it. He went fast — one page, two pages, three pages.
The manager said, Now you stop! You please read what you have written, because I cannot read.
Nasruddin said, That I have told you before — I can only write! I can’t read.
11. Mulla Nasruddin was dying, on his deathbed, almost in a coma. The doctor came to see him. The doctor was drunk; he took his pulse but could not find any pulse because he was holding the hand in the wrong way. He looked at Nasruddin’s face and said to his wife, I’m sorry to say it, but your husband is dead.
At that very moment, Nasruddin opened his eyes and said, What! I am alive!
The wife said, You keep quiet. He knows better, he is a doctor, an M.D., Ph.D., F.R.C.S. You have some nerve to deny an authority! Keep quiet!
12. Mulla Nasruddin was so discouraged with life that he decided to commit suicide. One evening he walked out to the country, a loaf of bread tucked under his arm. When he came to a train junction he lay down on the railroad tracks. A peasant passing by was amazed by the strange sight.
What are you doing, he asked, lying on these tracks?
Said the Mulla, I am going to commit suicide.
What do you need the bread for? asked the peasant.
In this country, said the Mulla, by the time the train gets here, a man could starve to death.
13. When Mulla Nasruddin reached California, he was directed by our sannyasins there to this ultimate weight-losing program. It took four days and was guaranteed to take off fifty pounds or your money would be refunded.
He entered the building and was told to enter the first door to his left and to undress there. He did so and then from a second door in the room entered a beautiful blonde woman, naked but for a sign around her neck. It read, If you catch me, you can make love to me!
Nasruddin felt the passion rise within him. The room was fairly small, but the lady was agile, and it took him twenty minutes to catch her. After his love-making, Nasruddin showered and left, eagerly awaiting the next day.
On the second day, he was directed to another room, a bit larger than the first. There a beautiful redhead, naked except for the sign, greeted him. The chase lasted for almost forty minutes.
On the third day, it was another, larger room, and a beautiful brunette! After almost an hour, he caught her too.
Throughout the three days, Nasruddin had kept an account of his weight loss — twenty-eight pounds to date.
On the fourth day, he envisioned perhaps a bevy of beauties. He was directed to the top floor. He climbed the stairs, removed his clothes and waited. There was a click behind him as the door was locked, and out of his left eye he caught sight of a huge gorilla coming his way with a sign around its neck which read, If I catch you I’m going to make love to you!
14. Mulla Nasruddin awoke one morning and looked at the clock. It was five minutes to five. Unable to go back to sleep, he went to the front door to get his newspaper. On the front page he saw the date: May 5th.
Oh, fifth day, fifth month, five minutes before five, he thought. Today will be my lucky day!
He decided to go to the horse races, so he got dressed and went to the corner to wait for the bus. Soon it came — it had the number five, and Nasruddin noticed when he boarded that there were three other passengers, the driver and himself — five in all.
He arrived at the track and waited for the fifth race. He bet five hundred rupees on number five to win — his horse came in fifth!
15. Mulla Nasruddin one day declared in the marketplace, My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. People gathered; they knew his woman, his wife, perfectly well — she was an ordinary, homely woman — and here he is declaring that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
They said, Mulla, who has given you this information?
He said, Who else? — my wife herself! Just last night she told me.
