1. Mulla Nasruddin got so drunk that there was a fight with another drunkard, and he had wounds and scratches all over his face.
He came home in the middle of the night, looked into the mirror and thought, Now, tomorrow morning is going to be difficult! How is he going to hide these wounds and these scratches? His wife is bound to know and she will say, You got drunk again and you have been fighting again! How to hide it?
A great idea occurred to him. He searched in the medicine chest, found some ointment. He put it on his wounds and scratches, was very happy, pleased with himself that by morning things would not be so bad… and went to sleep.
Early in the morning when he was still in bed, his wife shouted from the bathroom, Who has put ointment on the mirror?
2. Mulla Nasruddin came across a small boy sitting in the gutter crying loudly.
My boy, don’t cry like that, said the Mulla.
Said the little boy, Listen, mate, you cry your way and I will cry mine.
3. Mulla Nasruddin was talking to one of his friends.
The friend said, How was your night last night?
Mulla said, It was a beautiful night! I dreamed that I had gone to the Taj Mahal Hotel, and I have never tasted such delicious food in my life. I enjoyed my night, my dream. I can still feel the flavor of the food, I still feel the joy. Those dreams are still around me.
The friend said, That’s nothing! That’s why I asked how your night was, because last night I dreamed that I was on a boat at sea and Sophia Loren was with me — naked, absolutely naked!
Mulla suddenly became angry and he said, What kind of friend are you? Why didn’t you ask me to come?
The friend said, I did phone. Your wife said you had gone to the Taj Mahal Hotel!
4. I asked Mulla Nasruddin, Nasruddin, I hear you just had an accident?
He said, Yes, it was pretty bad, but I collected twenty thousand rupees, and my wife who was in the accident with me, got five thousand rupees.
I asked him, Did she get hurt?
Nasruddin laughed and said, No, but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the face during the confusion!
5. Mulla Nasruddin and his family were walking to the cemetery with the body of his recently departed wife. Suddenly one of the pallbearers tripped on a cobblestone and fell. The casket dropped to the ground and opened. Everyone stood in shock as the dead Mrs. Nasruddin opened her eyes. She was very much alive, the victim of catatonia.
Five years went by and Mrs. Nasruddin passed away, this time a victim of natural causes, but Nasruddin had not forgotten. And on the way to the cemetery as the pallbearers approached the spot where her casket was dropped, he shouted, For God’s sake, watch the cobblestones!
6. Mulla Nasruddin has purchased a new house and he planted a beautiful garden, a beautiful lawn. Then a new neighbor moved into the empty house by the side of Mulla’s house. He was enchanted with Mulla’s garden and his lawn. He said, I would also like to make a beautiful lawn, but how do you know what is grass and what is just weeds?
Mulla said, Very simple. You pull out both and throw them. Whatsoever grows again on its own is weeds.
7. Mulla Nasruddin came home one night late, utterly drunk. He was trying… and he had only one key, but it wouldn’t go in the lock because he was trembling and shaking.
The policeman came to see because for half an hour Mulla was trying and trying. And he said, Wait! Give me the key, I will open it.
He said, No need to bother with the key. You just hold the house in place and I can open it!
8. Mulla Nasruddin came from his village to the big city, and a rich friend invited him to his box at the opera.
Said the friend, We will be sitting close to other people, so be sure to change your socks before you come!
A short time after they entered their opera seats, the neighbors started turning their noses up at the bad smell.
I told you to change your socks, said the friend to Mulla.
I most certainly did, said Nasruddin. And furthermore I knew you wouldn’t believe me, so I brought the old socks right here in my pocket to prove it!
9. Mulla Nasruddin’s son came home late from school. The Mulla grabbed him and gave him a beating, saying, Let this be a lesson to you not to come home late!
The next day the boy came home with his clothes dirty from playing. The Mulla gave him a good smacking, saying, Let this be a lesson to you not to dirty your clothes!
The following day the boy came home with bad grades. The Mulla beat him again, saying, Let this be a lesson to you not to get bad grades!
The fourth day, as soon as the son came home, the Mulla just grabbed him and beat him.
What is the matter, father? asked the boy, crying. Today I came on time, with clean clothes, and with good grades!
Let this be a lesson to you, said Mulla Nasruddin. There is no justice in the world!
10. Once Mulla Nasruddin came home, as usual very drunk. His wife was in a rage, more so because he had just promised the other day that he was trying to leave his habit by and by. And the wife said, Now, what about your leaving the habit? Mulla said he had tried his best to break the habit, but when he cut `h’ from the word `habit’ still `a bit’ remained. When he cut `a’ still `bit’ remained, and when he cut `b’ still `it’ remained.
11. Mulla Nasruddin limped into the doctor’s office with a badly swollen ankle.
Goodness, man! said the doctor, after looking at Nasruddin’s ankle. How long has tit been in this condition?
About three months, said the Mulla.
Why, this ankle is broken! said the doctor. Why didn’t you come to me right away?
Well, I sort of hesitated, said the Mulla, because every time I say anything is wrong with me my wife insists that I stop smoking.
12. Once it happened that Mulla Nasruddin came staggering home totally drunk, and knocked many times at his own door. It was already half past midnight. The wife answered and he asked her, Can you tell me, madam, where Mulla Nasruddin lives?
The wife said, This is too much. You are Mulla Nasruddin.
He said, That’s right, that I know, but it doesn’t answer my question. Where does he live?
13. Mulla Nasruddin’s wife was on her deathbed and the doctor said, Nasruddin, I must be frank with you; in such moments it is better to be truthful. Your wife cannot be saved. The disease has gone beyond us, and you must prepare yourself. Don’t allow yourself to suffer, accept it, it is your fate. Your wife is going to die.
Nasruddin said, Don’t worry. If I could suffer with her for so many years, I can suffer for a few hours more!
14. I have heard that Mulla Nasruddin was saying to his son, It is none of your business, don’t ask such things. Who are you to ask me how I met your mother? But I will tell you one thing: she sure cured me of whistling.
Then he said, And this is the moral of the story: if you don’t want to be unhappy like me, never whistle at a girl!
15. Mulla Nasruddin was teaching his small son, who was seven years old, how to approach a girl, how to ask her to dance, what to say and what not to say, how to persuade her.
The boy went away and half an hour later came back and said, Now teach me how to get rid of her!
