1. Zalewski got a job as a delivery boy in a pet shop. One day he was told to deliver a pet rabbit to Mrs. Caldwell, Route 2 — Box 4.
You better write that down in case I forget it, said the boy.
Slipping the address into his pocket, Zalewski started off on his errand. Every few minutes he glanced at the address and said, I know where I am going: Mrs. Caldwell, Route 2 — Box 4.
Everything went smoothly until he hit a huge hole in the road. The truck landed in a ditch and the rabbit began to run for its life across an open field.
Zalewski stood there laughing uproariously. A passerby stopped and asked, What’s so funny?
Did you see that crazy rabbit running across that field? said the Polack. He does not know where he is going because I have got the address in my pocket.
2. Kowalski and Olga are making love in the upstairs bedroom. Just as Kowalski is about to start up his machinery, they hear a loud banging noise downstairs.
What’s that? asks Olga, jumping up in bed.
Nothing, pants Kowalski. Come on, let’s get on with it!
No! No way! demands Olga. No lovemaking until you find out what is going on downstairs.
Poor Kowalski stumbles downstairs with a very large erection, and flips on the the lights. Suddenly, the cat jumps out of the window. The dog dives under the sofa. And the parrot, trapped in its cage, looks around frantically, then tucks one leg under its wing and screams, Wait! Wait, you silly Polack… you wouldn’t fuck a cripple would you?
3. Pope the Polack finds that his Catholic Christian empire is crumbling. He orders all the Vatican researchers to try and find a solution to this impending disaster.
One day, Cardinal Catzass comes charging into the papal office.
I’ve got it! I’ve got it! screams Catzass. In one of the old manuscripts, it says that God has left his final message on a tiny planet at the edge of the universe, called Hysteria.
Desperate, Pope the Polack empties out the safe of Banco Vaticano, and gives the money to the Russians to build him a rocket to take him to Hysteria.
After weeks of training, Pope the Polack, Cardinal Catzass, and a chimpanzee pilot, blast off from earth and hurtle through space towards the distant planet.
Light years later, they land at a tiny spaceport in the middle of the Hysteria desert, and the Polack pope does his thing kissing the dirt. On a signpost is written the words: God’s last message — forty miles.
In full regalia, with his shepherd’s staff, rocket-shaped hat, and space suit, Pope the Polack sets off, trudging through the desert. Cardinal Catzass waves the incense-burner as they go. Ten hours and twenty miles later, both the Polack pope and Cardinal Catzass are on their hands and knees, gasping for water.
The next morning sees the pair of Polacks pulling themselves slowly through the sand. That night, they reach the top of a small rise and look at the hills in the distance. There, in flashing neon lights, the whole hillside is lit up with God’s final message to the universe. It reads: We apologize for any inconvenience.
4. Pope the Polack is invited to the White House to give a special speech on the role of the Vatican in saving the world. As he is speaking to a group of people on the lawn, he coughs, and his false teeth fall out onto the ground and break.
Seeing the situation, a nearby guest digs into his pocket and pulls out a set of dentures. Embarrassed, the pope fumbles around with them, but because they are too big, he cannot get the teeth into his mouth.
Then the guest reaches into another pocket and offers another set of false teeth. But this time they are too small. The guest pulls out a third set from his back pocket, and the toothless Polack shoves them into his mouth. These teeth fit.
Nervous, but happy, Pope the Polack turns to the guest and says, Wow! That is great. Are you a dentist? Nope, replies the guest, with a wink, I am an undertaker!
5. It is a dark and stormy day at the Vatican. The bells are tolling ominously, as inside, on his deathbed, lies Pope the Polack, breathing his last.
At the bedside there is a crowd of bishops, cardinals, priests and other homosexuals, moaning and chanting. Cardinal Cats-ass is crying his eyes out, as he is bent over the pope’s face.
Ah! Don’t be upset, gasps Pope the Polack. Don’t cry. The Vatican council will surely find a great man to take my place. As a matter of fact, I am sure he will do much better than me. But, whimpers Catsass, that is just what they promised us last time!
6. How many Polacks are needed for an electrical repair job?
Seven: one to be the negative pole, one to be the positive pole, and five to keep them apart!
7. The Polack patient lying on the operating table whispers to the surgical-masked doctor, You can take your mask off now, doctor, I have recognized you!
8. Do you remember the famous proverb: The bread never falls but on its buttered side? However, there is a story of a Polack whose bread fell and landed buttered side up. He ran straight away to the Polack Pope to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe.
At first the Pope would not believe him, but finally became convinced that it had happened. However, he didn’t feel immediately ready to deal with the question and asked for time. He studied hard the old scriptures about it, prayed to God and did all kinds of things to find an infallible answer. After months of waiting he finally came up with an answer. He said to the Polack, The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side.
9. The Polack Pope was finally persuaded by his cardinals to find a woman, so that he could better understand the problems of mankind. Well-a, okay, said the Polack Pope, but-a she’s-a gotta have certain qualifications. First-a, she’s-a gotta be blind, so she cannot see-a what-a I am-a doing to her. Second-a, she’s-a gotta be deaf, so she cannot hear-a what I say-a. And third-a, she’s-a gotta have-a the biggest tits-a in Italy!
10. As the boat was sinking, the skipper called out, Does anyone know how to pray?
I do, replied pope the polack, who was on board the ship.
Okay, go ahead and pray, said the captain. The rest of us will put on life jackets; we’re one short.
11. I have heard about the Polack Pope:
He was aboard a plane and the pilot said, It is unfortunate that out of the four engines one has stopped working, but there is no need to worry. Three engines are more than enough to take us to our destination. The only thing is we will be three hours late.
After fifteen minutes he said, Sorry to interrupt you again: the second engine has stopped, but no need to worry. Two engines are still more than enough and we will complete our journey, but now we will be six hours late.
And after half an hour he announced again, Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to announce that the third engine has also failed, but still there is no need to panic. One engine is enough to take us to the destination, but now we will be nine hours late.
And after just five minutes he said, If you want to say your prayers you can say them, because the last engine has stopped? And there was great panic and chaos, but the Polack Pope was sitting silently. The lady sitting by his side ying and weeping and screaming He said What is the matter? Why are you so worried? At the most we will be twelve hours late!
12. Pope the Polack puts on civilian clothes so that he can walk around the streets without being recognized. While he is out walking, a woman comes up to him and says, Want a blow job?
The pope says, A blow job? What’s that?
The woman replies, Ten dollars.
The pope is mystified, but he continues his walk through the streets. Everywhere he goes, he is met by women saying, Blow job, blow job! all day long.
Finally, when he returns to the Vatican and the papal palace, he sees one of the nuns.
Tell me, sister, asks Pope the Polack, what’s a blow job?
The nun replies, Ten dollars.
