1. A young cowboy, in the Wild West for the first time, finds himself in a town without women. At the local saloon, he asks the other cowboys how they manage without women, and they tell him to find a sheep or a cow for a companion.
A few days later, the young man walks in with a pig. He sits her down at a table and then walks over to the bar and says, I will have a large whiskey for myself and a root beer for the young lady.
The bartender reaches below the bar and brings out his shotgun. He points it at the young man, who starts to back away.
I don’t understand, he says. You told me I could find a companion.
I know, replies the bartender, taking aim.
Then why are you pointing that gun at me? cries the cowboy.
We told you to find a companion, says the bartender, but not the sheriff’s wife.
2. Terrence and Mrs. Tuber, the TV Couch Potatoes, are propped up on their potato couch, chewing peanuts and watching their favorite soap opera The Potato Family on television. When the doorbell rings, Chip the dog starts barking, and Terrence looks around at it and accidentally pops a peanut into his ear. He is still sitting on his potato couch with his head tipped to one side, trying to get the peanut out, when his daughter and her boyfriend Frito walk in.
Frito immediately sees the situation and offers to help Terrence to get the peanut out. Look, says Frito, I’ll cover your mouth, stick my two fingers into your nostrils and then blow into your other ear. In desperation, Terrence agrees to give this a try. Frito stuffs his fingers tightly into the couch potato’s nose and blows into his ear. Sure enough, the peanut pops out the other side.
Later that evening, Terrence and Mrs. Tuber are propped up in bed watching a re-run of The Potato Family on television, when Mrs. Tuber asks her husband, That Frito is such a nice boy, what do you think he will do when he leaves school?
I don’t know what his plans are, replies Terrence. But from the smell of his fingers, I think he will probably be our son-in-law.
3. Hey man, says Swami Haridas to his friend, Stonehead Niskriya, how come you got home so early from your date with Papaya Pineapple last night?
Well, explains Stonehead, after dinner we went back to her apartment. We sat on her bed listening to music, talked for a while, and drank some herb tea. Then she slowly undressed, pulled back the bed covers, lay down, reached over me, and turned out the light. So? asks Haridas. What happened?
Well, I can take a hint, replies Stonehead. So I went home!
4. Miss Goodbody is teaching sex education to her ninth-grade class. Sitting in the back of the room, reading Playboy and smoking a cigarette, is Chester Cheese’s kid, Wise-guy Willy. Class, begins Miss Goodbody, shakily, today we will discuss sexual intercourse.
Wise-guy Willy puts down his magazine, smiles, and winks at Miss Goodbody.
Uh… there are eight basic positions for sexual intercourse, Miss Goodbody says nervously. Nine, comes Willy’s voice from the back.
Flustered and blushing, Miss Goodbody begins again. There are eight basic positions for sexual intercourse, she stammers. Nine, interrupts Willy, again.
This time Miss Goodbody takes a deep breath and continues, The first is called the missionary position: the man is on top of the woman and facing her…
Aha! says Willy, winking again, ten!
5. In a school in Poland the teacher asks, Has any of you ever saved somebody’s life?
A little boy raises his arm, Yes, my little nephew’s.
How did it happen? Tell us! asks the teacher.
The little Polack says, I hid my sister’s birth control pills!
6. The unmarried Polack cleaning woman had a baby. When asked by a social worker about the father of the child, she replied curtly, Dunno! You think I turn around every time I clean the stairs?
7. The phone is ringing in the doctor’s office. He picks it up and hears the desperate voice of a Polack woman: Hello, Doc! Did I leave my underpants in your room after the medical examination? No, replies the doctor, they are not here.
Half an hour later she calls again. Hello, Doc, it’s me again. Don’t worry anymore, I found them — they were at the dentist’s!
8. That parapsychology course at the Osho Meditation University is fabulous! says Swami Francesco. My ESP talents are developing so fast!
That’s hard to believe, states his friend, Swami Giovanni, you’d better prove it.
For instance, my telepathy, says Francesco. You just point at any door, and I shall give you remarkable particulars about the person who answers.
Okay, THAT door, points his friend. Tell me what will happen.
Well, meditates Francesco. I feel that a man whose girlfriend is having her period will open the door…. Hello, friends, greets Swami Mariano, entering the room through the same door. Does your girlfriend have her period? asks Giovanni.
Shit! answers Mariano, wiping his mouth and chin. Can you see it?
9. That old dried-up prune, Mother Teresa, invites that old rotten fruitcake, Pope the Polack, to come and visit her Bleeding Hearts Home for the Dead and Dying in Calcutta. The Polack is thrilled to receive the invitation, so he gets Cardinal Catzass to pack their bags, and they fly off to India.Their first day is spent touring Mother Teresa’s Bleeding Hearts Home, blessing all the half-dead Christian converts.
The next morning, the two Catholic cowboys from Rome go out into the streets of Calcutta, to wave at the crowds of starving Hindus. But all day long, Pope the Polack has been acting very strangely. Cardinal Catzass is worried about the old Polack and asks him, Your Holiness, what is the matter?
Listen, says the old fruitcake, as soon as we get back to that Bleeding Hearts Home, the first thing I want to do is rip off Mother Teresa’s knickers!
Really? replies the shocked cardinal. Why do you want to do that?
Because, says the pope with a groan, they are much too tight for me!
10. Dimmel Himmel, a nice Jewish boy from Berlin, goes to live in America to make his fortune, and ends up in L.A., California. After a few years, he comes back to Berlin to visit his old mother, Mrs. Hattie Himmel. He walks through the door in his stone-washed Levi jeans, alligator tennis shirt, and Reebok sneakers. Oy, veh! cries Mamma Himmel, but where are your beautiful long whiskers?
Ah, Mamma! replies Dimmel. Nobody wears a beard in L.A.
Oy, my baby! cries Hettie Himmel. But tell me, you have at least been keeping the Sabbath?
Look, Mamma, says Himmel. Business is business! In America, people work on the Sabbath.
Ah, God! cries Mamma Himmel. But kosher food you still eat?
Listen, Mamma, replies Himmel, I am an American now. It is very difficult to keep kosher in America.
The old lady looks at her son in shock. She hesitates for a moment and then goes up to him and whispers, Dimmel, my son, tell me one thing — are you still circumcised?
11. Roxanne, a beautiful, well-built blonde, applied at a circus for the job of a lion tamer. Ralph was another candidate.
I will give you both a chance, said the manager. The girl can go first.
Roxanne, wearing a full-length mink coat, entered the cage. A huge lion was let in with her and immediately the animal started to charge.
Suddenly, Roxanne opened her fur coat and stood there, completely naked. The lion stopped dead in his tracks and began licking her feet, then her hands, then he went meekly back to the corner.
The manager was amazed. He turned towards the young man. Well, pal, do you think you can top that?
I sure can, said Ralph. You just get that stupid lion out of there and I will show you.
12. Karpuik was rushed to the emergency room of the city hospital. The doctor on duty was amazed to discover that Karpuik had scalded his scrotum. How did it happen? he asked. I was making tea, replied the Polack, and the directions said, ‘Soak bag in hot water.’
13. Pilzudski took his wife to the doctor and complained that he could not have intercourse with her because she was too tight. Alright, said the doctor, let’s test it!
The sawbones put the wife on the table, applied some vaseline to his instrument and entered Pilzudski’s wife easily. Hey, said the Polack, as he watched the doctor pumping away, if it not be for the medicine I think you be screwing my wife!
14. Once a British lady was approached by a German man. As he was quite taken by her beauty, he marched over to her and shouted, I love you!
She said, If you really love me, jump off the cliff!
Before he could think he kissed her hand and jumped.
A short time later the British lady was approached by an Italian. He swaggered up to her and passionately whispered in her ear, Amore mio!
She responded by whispering in his ear, If you really love me, jump off the cliff.
Coming up for air between kisses he answered, If you really love me, you must jump with me! Impressed with his wit, she conceded to make love with him.
Still a short while later the British lady was approached by a British man. He made her acquaintance and invited her for tea. After several hours of polite conversation, he said, with some reserve, I love you.
She answered, If you really love me, jump off the cliff.
To which he gallantly replied, Ladies first!
15. Old Zeb, the back-woods Virginia farmer, has been screwing one of his favorite pigs for years. Suddenly, Zeb is hit by pangs of guilt and conscience that torture him so much he decides to go and tell the priest about it in confession. Father Fungus is shocked and he really does not know how to handle this one.
Well, says the priest to old Zeb, tell me, is the pig male or female?
She’s female, of course, snorts Zeb. What do you think I am — some kind of a pervert?
16. General Brahmachapatti has been in Ruby Hall Clinic for a couple of weeks for a minor operation. The nurses are fed up with him. He is always complaining about the food and the service, waking up the nurses in the middle of the night, demanding cups of hot chocolate, and so on. One morning a nurse comes into his room and says, Good morning, general. Please take down your pyjamas and turn over — I need to take your temperature.
But nurse, protests the general, I always have the thermometer in my mouth, not my ass. Why this change?
This morning, explains the nurse, we need a really accurate temperature, so that the lab can make an analysis.
The general grumpily agrees, takes down his pyjamas, turns over, and raises his bum in the air.
Now, general, says the nurse, making the insertion, this is a special thermometer and it needs to be left quite a long time to get an accurate result. So don’t move until I come back.
In the next few hours many people come into the general’s room, but all of them just gasp and leave quickly in embarrassment. Finally, the general’s wife comes to visit him. She walks in and stares at him in amazement, not knowing what to say.
What is the matter with you, woman? thunders the general. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?
Yes, darling, I have, stammers his wife, but not with a banana!
17. Proper Sagar goes to visit Doctor Azima. He hangs up his umbrella and his hat. Then he takes off his jacket, his shirt and tie, and his trousers — folding them up very neatly and putting them on the chair. Then he takes off his shoes and puts them under the chair, straight. Then he takes off his underwear, folds them nicely, and also puts them on the chair.
Standing stiffly in front of Azima, Sagar calmly says, As you can see, Doctor, my left testicle hangs lower than my right one.
Oh, smiles Azima, but that-a is perfectly normal. You have-a nothing to worry about.
I am not worrying, replies Proper Sagar. But don’t you think it is a bit untidy?
18. Pope the Polack is on a pilgrimage in Calcutta where he makes an official visit to Mother Teresa’s orphanage. Mother Teresa is showing him around, and the Polack is bending and kissing everything in sight. Suddenly, as he bends over to kiss Mother Teresa’s pride and joy, the new church organ, the pope recoils in terror. There, stretched out across the top of the organ, is a big black condom.
Purple with rage, Pope the Polack demands an explanation from Mother Teresa.
Well, says Mother Teresa, one of my orphans found it in a package on the street, and when I read the label it said: `Place on organ and feel secure.’
19. Doctor Feelgood is visiting the insane asylum to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie Rosenkrantz. At that moment Mr. Rosenkrantz is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air.
Well, Charlie, says Feelgood. When do you think you will be getting out?
No problem, replies Charlie, swinging away. Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one.
Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester Cheese swinging an imaginary baseball bat.
Hello, Chester, says Feelgood. And when do you think you will be getting out?
Oh, soon, replies Chester. Just as soon as I hit this home-run.
Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald Dickstein rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper.
Hello, Donald, says Feelgood. And when do you think you will be getting out?
Out? Are you kidding? says Donald excitedly. I’m fucking nuts!
20. Things are looking bad for the members of the Catholic church. Their image is being damaged by stories of sex and perversion within the ranks of the priesthood. Their so-called celibacy is becoming a worldwide joke.
So Pope the Polack calls his press secretary, Bishop Benny Diction, and orders him to create a cover-up campaign.
Well, Your Holiness, says Benny, I have already given this a lot of thought. I am convinced that we need to change our style of dress. Right now, people look at us and all they see is a bunch of dirty habits!
Yes, says the pope, perhaps you are right. So what should we do?
Simple! replies Benny Diction. What I have in mind is a complete change of image. We will cover the city with posters of a nun in a bikini!
What? cries the Polack pope. A nun in a bikini? How is that going to promote celibacy in the world?
Well, explains Benny Diction, the model for the photograph is going to be Mother Teresa!
21. Big Bertha, the circus fat lady, marries Max the midget, and for a short time everything seems to be going just fine.
But then one day, Big Bertha arrives at Judge Grump’s divorce court wanting a divorce on the grounds that her husband is a midget.
But surely you knew he was a midget before you married him! exclaims Judge Grump. Did you not realize the difficulties this marriage would involve?
How was I to know? sobs Bertha. Everything was great except for the sex.
Sex? asks the judge. What does his being a midget have to do with sex?
Well, judge, replies Big Bertha, when we are nose to nose, his toes are in, and when we are toes to toes, his nose is in! And when he really puts it in, he disappears altogether — and Oh, Your Honor! I get so lonely!
22. A Polack stripteaser goes to a theater manager for an audition. Before beginning her performance, she puts a big red apple in the middle of the stage and to the accompaniment of soft sexy music, she begins her number.
The music comes to a crescendo… she is almost naked. With a crash of cymbals and a roll of the drums, to the gaping eyes of the theater manager, she leaps across the stage, does three impressive pirouettes and to the final crash of the drums dives down in the splits and lands on top of the big red apple.
When she gets up to bow, the apple has disappeared.
After a moment of deathly hush, the theater manager applauds her ecstatically.
You will become famous all over the world. I will book you for the best theaters in Tokyo, London, Hamburg, New York and Paris.
No! Paris no! replies the stripteaser in a worried tone.
Why not Paris? asks the manager. It’s one of the best cities in the world for your number. No, not Paris! In Paris my mother does this number with a watermelon!
23. An old English gentleman was on trial before the high court of Australia, for the crime of making sexual advances to an ostrich. Before passing sentence, announced the judge, do you have anything to say?
Your honor, said the Englishman, if I had known you were going to make such a fuss about it, I would not have married the bloody bird!
24. Zowicki, in a body-cast, lay in a hospital bed explaining to a doctor how he fell off the roof and broke most of his bones. Twenty years ago, I be on road selling brushes when my car break down and I walk to nearby house to use the phone, he began. A good-looking blonde built like a brick shipyard answered the door. She did not have phone, but ask me to stay over till morning.
I stay in upstairs room. That night she ask if I need anything. I tell her ‘No.’ One hour later she come back again, ask if I want anything. I tell her everything all right. Around midnight she stop by again and ask if I want anything. I tell her I be fine.
What’s that got to do with your accident? asked the doctor.
Well, said the Polack, I be up on the roof fixing TV antenna when I remember that night back then, and all of a sudden I realize what she driving at. I jumped up, fell off the roof, and here I am!
25. Pierino walked into a cocktail lounge and said to the barmaid, Give me a double scotch! Hey, kid, she sighed, you want to get me in trouble?
Maybe later, lady! Right now I just wanna drink!
26. Several young boys were called by the New Delhi authorities for a medical check-up to determine the paternity of a certain teenage girl’s baby.
Chandulal went in and after a few minutes came out. Don’t worry, fellows, he smiled. They’ll never find out. They’re taking samples from the finger!
27. Pundit Ramprasad Shastri comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. The pundit takes out a gun from the drawer and puts it to his head. The wife’s lover jumps up and shouts, Hey, what are you doing?
Shut up! says the Indian pundit. You are next!
28. Kazewski and Candelli agreed to a bet on who could make love to his wife more times in one night. They took adjoining hotel rooms and decided that each time they succeeded they would carve a notch on the wall. Candelli performed at once at ten o’clock, placing a scratch on the wall. Then at two a.m. he drew another gash. By six o’clock he had three scratches. At eight in the morning the Polack came in and looked at the marks. My god! One hundred and eleven! cried the Polack. He beat me by three!
29. Corporal Torlonia had been overseas for eighteen months. He came home and found he had a three-week-old baby. His wife explained that she dreamt she had intercourse with him, and she got pregnant.
Torlonia sued for divorce. In court even the judge was astounded by the wife’s story. He stood up and asked the audience if they had ever had intercourse with a ghost.
In the back, Torlonia’s father raised his hand. His Honor called him to the bench. Now, said the judge, you say you had intercourse with a ghost?’. Ah, scusa, said the elderly Italian, I thought-a you say-a goat!
30. A smart New York career girl married Stefano, a handsome young Italian farmer. She was not too happy with his social manner and started trying to improve him immediately. Throughout the wedding reception she continuously corrected his mistakes, telling him what to say, which knife to use at the table and how to pass the butter. Finally the celebrations were over and they were in bed at last. Stefano fidgeted between the sheets, unsure of himself, but finally he turned towards his new wife and stuttered, Could you pass the pussy, please?
31. The male dinosaur has been going out with the female dinosaur for two thousand years and finally he asks her for a kiss. She agrees.
Four thousand years later he asks if they might hug a little, and she agrees.
Three thousand years later he says, Look, honey, we have been seeing each other for about nine thousand years. Don’t you think it is about time we… er… you know, get it on? She looks at him shyly, and says, Oh, darling I would love to, but I’m having my decade.
32. Amos Saperstein dies suddenly with an enormous erection. The undertaker, Moishe Finkelstein, tries everything to make it shrink. He puts cold water on it, then packs it in ice cubes, but nothing works. Finally they decide that they have only one option: they cut a hole in the lid of the coffin and cover it with a sheet.
On the way to the cemetery the coffin is carried past two little old ladies sitting on a bench. Well, there goes old Amos, says grandma Kravitz. I hope his family gave him a proper send-off.
Just then a gust of wind blows the sheet off the top of the coffin.
The tight fisted bastards, says grandma. Look at that! Only one lousy flower.
33. A priest with a huge prick has terrible trouble getting any woman to sleep with him. At the local whorehouse it is always the same answer, Sorry father, I wish I could, but that monster is much too big for me.
In desperation, the priest thinks up a cunning scheme. He visits a whorehouse on the other side of the town where no one knows him, picks out a girl and takes her to the bedroom. Once they are inside the priest tells the girl he is very shy and then says, Do you mind if I undress with the lights out?
She agrees. Then as he climbs on top of her she says, Do you know, father, I am really glad this is what you came here for. When you first walked through the door I was sure you were just going to talk to me about… Jesus Christ!
34. Pope the Polack is very sick. Doctors come from all over the world to try and diagnose his illness, and finally a little Jewish psychiatrist finds the cause of the problem. He tells the pope, Your holiness, because you have had nothing to do with women all your life, your hormones are unbalanced and there is only one possible cure. You must make love with a woman.
No, no! cries Pope the Polack, I can’t. All the vows I have taken… I just can’t!
But, your holiness, replies the shrink, you must or you will die, and this too is a mortal sin.
The pope retires for a few days to consider his fate, and then calls the psychiatrist again.
Okay, says Pope the Polack, I have reached my decision. I will do as you ask. But please, be sure that the girl has nice, big tits.
35. Old Finkelstein was seventy-five when he decided to marry a young girl of twenty. His friends were scandalized, and one of them said, Finkelstein, do you realize that a man of your age having sex with a young girl could be very dangerous — even fatal?
Finkelstein considered for a while, then shrugged and said, Oh, well, if she dies, she dies!
36. The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature makes up for a person’s deficiencies.
For example, he told Paddy, if a man is deaf, he may have very good eyesight, and if a man is blind, he may have a very good sense of smell.
I think I see what you mean, said Paddy. I have often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the other one is always a little bit longer.
37. The student demonstration had turned into a riot. Suddenly a man staggered out of the crowd carrying a limp girl in his arms.
Here, shouted a cop running up to the man, give her to me. I will get her out of this. The hell with you, replied the man, go and find one of your own!
38. Uncle Albert is staying for the weekend, and little Ernie is asking him all sorts of questions.
Uncle Albert, he asks, why are some men bald on the front of their head?
Well, replies Uncle Albert, these men are the great thinkers.
And what about the men that are bald on the back of their head? asks little Ernie.
These men, explains Uncle Albert, are the great fuckers.
So what does it mean, continues little Ernie, when they are bald all over?
That’s obvious, replies Uncle Albert, these men think they are great fuckers.
39. Paddy nearly has an accident at work, and he is so shocked that he decides to become a reformed Christian. He tells Maureen that he is going to give up sex for a month.
With only a few days to go before the end of the month, Paddy and Maureen are shopping together in the local supermarket. Maureen leans over a tray of apples and Paddy gets a good look at her chest and nearly goes mad. A few minutes later, Paddy sees her thigh when her dress gets tangled in another customer’s shopping cart. In the confusion, he loses all control of himself, forgetting his vow of celibacy completely.
A few days later, Paddy goes to confession and tells Father Murphy that he has broken his vow. The priest tries to console him, saying that after all the days and nights of his great effort, God and the church would forgive him.
I’m not worried about God and the church, replies Paddy, but Maureen and I feel terrible because they won’t let us back in the supermarket!
