"Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here."
The mind cannot remain without activity. The mind goes on creating some activity or other. Earn money; if you are finished with that, then earn meditation — but earn. Achieve something, do something. ….OSHO
I am teaching you to become creative voids, non-doers, delighters in just being.
That is why the question is bound to come to everybody's mind sometime or other. You ask: "Sometimes I wonder what I am doing here."
You wonder rightly — you are doing nothing here. Your mind may supply answers, but don't listen to them. Listen to my answer. You are not doing anything here; I am not teaching you to do something.
Your mind may say that you are learning meditation: you are doing meditation, yoga, this, that or you are trying to achieve enlightenment, satori, SAMADHI — all nonsense.
This is your mind supplying because the mind is an achiever, the mind cannot remain without activity. The mind goes on creating some activity or other. Earn money; if you are finished with that, then earn meditation — but earn. Achieve something, do something.
You become afraid when you are not doing anything, because then suddenly you are face to face with the creative void. That is the face of God. You are in a chaos, you are falling in an infinite abyss and you cannot see the bottom. There is none.
Sitting before me, what are you doing? Just sitting. That is the meaning of ZAZEN. In Zen they call meditation 'zazen'. Zazen means just sitting, doing nothing. If you can just sit near me that is enough, more than enough; nothing else is needed. If you can just sit without doing anything — not even doing thinking or dreaming — if you can just sit near me, that will do everything.
"Suddenly you are too.much for me," you say. Yes, if you just sit I will be too much — because if you just sit, suddenly I will be flowing within you. If you just sit, you will immediately become aware of light and love, and then you will say, "I want to leave you," because you are afraid of love and light.
You have become a denizen of darkness. You have lived in darkness so long that your eyes are afraid. No matter what you say — that you would like to live in the light — your deep-rooted habits shrink and say, "Where are you going? " You have a great investment in darkness.
All your knowledge is related to darkness. In light you will be absolutely ignorant. All your wisdom and experience is out of darkness; in light you will be naked, nude. All that you know belongs to darkness; in the light you will find yourself just like an innocent babe, a small child, not knowing anything.
You have lived in bondage and now you are afraid to be free. You go on talking about freedom and MOKSHA — absolute freedom — but if you watch yourself you will know that whenever freedom comes your way, you escape. You become afraid. Maybe you talk about freedom just to deceive yourself; maybe it is a substitute, the substitute Wagner is talking about.
OSHO