WHILE I WAS ROAMING AROUND NEAR BOMBAY, I STOPPED AT MUKTANANDA'S ASHRAM FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. UNEXPECTEDLY, WHILE I WAS THERE HE POURED ON ME MUCH GRACE AND VERY SPECIAL ATTENTION, EVEN THOUGH THE FIRST THING I SAID WAS I AM A DISCIPLE OF BHAGWAN SHREE RAJNEESH. I FELT HONORED BY HIM YET WAS A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE. MAINLY, I FELT GUILT TOWARD YOU. I AM BACK NOW TO YOU BUT VERY CONFUSED. PLEASE HELP ME.
First thing, whatsoever you do, never feel guilty — whatsoever you do. To go to Muktananda's ashram is not a sin. It may be your karma, but it is not a sin. You have not violated any rule, because I don't have any rules. How can you violate? I don't give you rules, because you are such neurotic people that out of the rules you will create guilt. Never associate guilt with me, around me, in association with me. I don't want you to create any guilt, to ever feel guilty. Whatsoever you do, do it totally.
Now, you have been to Muktanand's ashram: you should have been there totally. You must have been thinking about me there, and you must have been feeling guilty. You have been taught wrong things.
To be with me is not a monogamy. It is not a husband-wife relationship, that the wife cannot look at another man or the husband cannot look at another woman. I make you absolutely free. How many times do I have to repeat it? You can go to Muktananda or anywhere — to hell even, you can go. And if you wander around Bombay too much, suddenly one day you will find yourself in hell, remember. Because a direct route goes from Bombay to hell.
And this is surprising how you managed to reach Muktananda's ashram by wandering around Bombay. It is far away from Bombay. But it may be the same guilt: you cannot even take the responsibility that "I WENT." You cannot even say that? How poor. You cannot even take your responsibility that "I went to Muktananda's ashram." You say, "… while I was roaming around near Bombay, I stopped at Muktananda's ashram — FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS"! Just look at the absurdity.
Be responsible. If you have been there, you have been there, and nothing is wrong in it. Muktananda is also God; maybe a mediocre god but still a god. You are allowed to go to mediocre gods too. And don't feel guilty; because you are already punished. Muktananda is a punishment. What more punishment do you need?
Remember responsibility always. Whatsoever you do, do consciously; don't wander. The questioner is trying to say that it was not conscious, deliberate — "by chance." But nothing is by chance; everything is your responsibility. Don't be accidental. This is one of the ways how we try to throw responsibility onto others' shoulders. Your act is your act. Next time, please, if you go, there is no need to wander so much. You can go directly.
And then "a couple of days" — just by wandering. A couple of minutes may have been okay, but a couple of days means you wanted to be there. But nothing is wrong in it. What I am insisting on is: accept it, that you wanted to be there.
And it is good. I know how you feel. You are shopping for a guru, and it is a supermarket. There are many gurus in the world, and how can you just decide that this man is the right one? You will have to go here and there; sometimes to Muktananda, sometimes to Sai Baba, sometimes to somebody else. Nothing is wrong in it.
If something of me has penetrated your heart, you will come back. If not, then it is good that you don't come back. If something beneficial happens to you there, then allow it to happen, with all my blessings, because that is what we are trying to do. If it happens in Muktananda's ashram, good. It should happen, that is the point. I am not in any obsession with Poona, that it should happen in Poona. If your enlightenment happens in Muktananda's ashram, very, very good.
I will be happy, tremendously happy it happened. Poona is not the point. This small piece of land… how many people can become enlightened here? The whole world is yours; become enlightened anywhere you want, choose any place.
And it is natural for the mind to go here and there. One wavers a little and then by and by one settles. And it is good that one should waver a little. So don't force yourself to be here if the idea arises, which is natural, to go and visit some other ashrams and see what is happening there. You may be just deceived here. Who knows? I may be just a fake, a fraud. So who knows? Just go and see what is happening there. Maybe something is really happening there and you are benefited. Good. If not, I am available here; you can come back. But don't create any guilt.
"Unexpectedly, while I was there he poured on me much grace and very special attention, even though the first thing I said was I am a disciple of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh." That's why! It is so simple and so political; there is nothing much in it, not a mystery. Next time go without wearing orange, without a MALA, shave your head so he cannot recognize you; and then see.
So next time, don't talk about me. If you talk about me, certainly, it is simple and diplomatic that much grace and love and attention should be given to you.
And it worked too: "I felt honored by him…." Special attention; who will not feel honored? Here I never give any special attention to anybody. Even if you want to see me you will have to wait for days. The appointment is not so easy. And I don't pay any special attention to anybody, because here I really mean to work, I mean business.
Special attention is given to you just to buttress your ego… and that's how things go on. The guru buttresses the ego of the disciple and the disciple buttresses the ego of the guru; and a mutual understanding happens and things go well and everything runs smoothly. They go on lubricating each other. Here, nothing of that sort.,I am very businesslike; I don't give any special attention to you. Because the very desire to get special attention is wrong. What are you going to do with the special attention you get?
You will feed your ego. Everybody wants to be specially attended to. Why? Because everybody wants to be somebody special.
So of course, there is nothing mysterious in it: "I felt honored by him…." The special attention worked on your ego.
If you want to be here with me, remember, I am not playing any game of the ego with you. Things are straight, direct. You are here to dissolve yourself, and I am here to help you die. It is going to be arduous, but all growth is painful.
But if you want children's toys, then you can go anywhere you want to. Maybe you need them right now. Maybe you are still childish, juvenile, not a mature person. Then you will need something like that.
But never feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty for anything, whatsoever it is. Unconditionally, I want to say to you that I don't want to create guilt in you.
OSHO